. . .but today, I must be serious. I promise, 4 and 5 of my all-encompassing power are still to follow, but for today. . .come along with me on a journey through my thoughts. Try not to get lost or distracted in the knots of consciousness or the shiny mirrors of distraction. . . . . .
I feel that every time I come around to adoring and worshipping those around me, God finds this need to knock me back to reality. And I guess, rightfully so. I mean, I come to places in life where I realize that I'm aiming to live like someone else, or aiming to be like someone else. And while aims and goals are not inherently bad, I get sucked into the mentality that if I just act like my mom/dad/sister/friend (insert important figure here) life will work out for me as it has for them. With bumps, hills, rocky places and celebrations; but overall, a pretty decent ride. And so I get into this mindset; these formulas if you will. I try to retrospectively break down these people's lives into steps that I can follow and take for myself. But this is a tricky business as you may already know. You see, I've figured out that God really didn't create any of us the same and in that same lesson, I've learned that he has about a billion different paths to get each of us where he wants us. That path my mom took more than likely won't work for me. Shocking isn't it?
But here's the embarrassing part. I lecture. And I think that I'm all-knowing. And at times, I think that I have all of the answers. And I spend two hours trying to express to my husband the perfect way to live so that I will be his happy and dutiful wife. I give him these examples; these great people of faith and or of man-hood. These are the people that he should aim to be. And then, literally, no more than 24 hours later, here comes God yanking that rug right out from under me. You see, people will almost always let you down. Really. It's depressing to be 23 and realize that all of your idols have these huge faults that live inside them like evil, green, lumpy monsters that are just waiting for the right time to escape and ravage you. And then I'm shocked at their imperfection and I cry out to God about how I was tricked and led on. About how these people masqueraded as perfect and how they tricked me into believing that they were worthy of my worship. And he quietly and patiently reminds me, from his all-knowing throne, that no one asked for me to believe them to be perfect. No one asked me to place them high on my stand of worship. The only being who has asked that of me is my heavenly father and yet, he's the one usually standing in the back, on the ladder, just trying to squeeze his toe onto that pedestal next to Nick, and my family and my close friends. It's amazing that I continually find myself molding myself to those who have their own cracks and weakness instead of trying to fit into the perfect vessel of God and his teachings and wisdom.
Crazy. I've tried to learn this lesson 5 or 6 times now. Honestly, just check diary #3 and journal from college year #1 and year #4. And yet God just keeps reminding me. Persistent fellow that God is. Just doesn't seem to let go.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
the much anticipated continuation...
...of what I would do with my all encompassing power.
#3- I would invent/engineer a tanning bed that also enabled you to lose weight while tanning. Let's work this out together shall we? We know the demographic that tans, right? Now don't get offended- I tan. I lump myself in together with this self inducing cancer causing group. But, we as a people, are vain. We want to look as if we have just returned from two weeks in St. Barts in the middle of the winter while everyone that we know and see KNOWS that we have been in class and at work with them. Maddening really. And even those envious strangers whom we see and want to impresses with our god-like bronzness can tell that we fake bake due to the reddish hue that we all take on because we either don't know when enough flourescent sun is enough, or because we are dumb enough to fall asleep. . .every time. Either way, lazy and vain. Therefore, what better way to lose weight than while tanning?! You know people would buy into this idea- hell, I'd buy into the idea. I think it's great. And why not? If a drink and a cream can make you lose weight then why not something that is activated/enabled by those cancer causing lights? Sure, this lose-weight-fast fad will probably cause you cancer, but what good things don't? All I'm saying is I'm sure it could catch on. Maybe not as useful as a creation as my first two (this one definitely plays to the vain side more than the others) but still good all the same. I don't know. I just may or may not desperately need a tan and to lose 10 lbs. That's all I'm saying. . . .
4 and 5 still to come. . .stay tuned
#3- I would invent/engineer a tanning bed that also enabled you to lose weight while tanning. Let's work this out together shall we? We know the demographic that tans, right? Now don't get offended- I tan. I lump myself in together with this self inducing cancer causing group. But, we as a people, are vain. We want to look as if we have just returned from two weeks in St. Barts in the middle of the winter while everyone that we know and see KNOWS that we have been in class and at work with them. Maddening really. And even those envious strangers whom we see and want to impresses with our god-like bronzness can tell that we fake bake due to the reddish hue that we all take on because we either don't know when enough flourescent sun is enough, or because we are dumb enough to fall asleep. . .every time. Either way, lazy and vain. Therefore, what better way to lose weight than while tanning?! You know people would buy into this idea- hell, I'd buy into the idea. I think it's great. And why not? If a drink and a cream can make you lose weight then why not something that is activated/enabled by those cancer causing lights? Sure, this lose-weight-fast fad will probably cause you cancer, but what good things don't? All I'm saying is I'm sure it could catch on. Maybe not as useful as a creation as my first two (this one definitely plays to the vain side more than the others) but still good all the same. I don't know. I just may or may not desperately need a tan and to lose 10 lbs. That's all I'm saying. . . .
4 and 5 still to come. . .stay tuned
Saturday, December 17, 2005
distraction...
(From my Xanga. . .I'm sorry, I hate to double up but all of you who won't change from Xanga to Blogger or the other way around are driving me crazy!! So for all of the kiddies- posted in both now. . . )
I have an hour til my final. . .I haven't studied at all and I should be. . .but instead:
5 things I would do if I had the power:
1- Create a defroster for the front windshield of your car. You know, much like the one in the back- with the little black wires and the powerful heat and all- except transparent so that you could still see out of the front windshield and you know, drive unhindered. Let's be honest, that back window melts hundreds of times faster than the front. Winter says, "Your semi-warm pissy air blowing up from the dash is nothing to my icy death! HA!"
2- Create cell phone timers: I.E. a program that you have on your phone that allows you to program in all of your class times, important meeting times, etc and therefore shuts off the ringer for you during those times. Let's see it in action shall we. It's 7:22 and you've spent the last 22 minutes in Dr. Reed's Ethics class. Now, a smart, mindful, prepared person would have turned off their phone or at least their ringer before they entered. But you, being that all you are trying to do this semester is survive and keep your head above the preverbial water, have yet again forgotten. Shocking. And so, your mother (whom you have given your schedule to 3 times and instructed NEVER to call "even to just leave a voice mail" during class because you, I.E. idiot, never remember to turn off your phone, calls. "Joy to the World" blasts through HART with such volume and force that you may think Jesus himself had returned to earth and yet, you know it is only your mother. Calling yet again during her pre-described "No-Call Zones" You fumble for your phone, digging through your pink and purple Old Navy bag with no cell phone pocket (which means that your phone is at the bottom-under all the books, amidst your 13 pens, 9 pencils, 2 highlighters, zip drive, gum and headphones ) and finally find it just as the ringer rounds in on the second verse with "He Rules the World with Truth and Grace". And you wonder to yourself, as you quietly and redfaced silence the phone and curse your mother, why you can't even rule your cell phone with grace. Tramatizing. Truly social suicide. But don't worry, this may or may not have actually happened to me. Nontheless, we see how vital a no-ringer program could be. I know, I know, it isn't that hard to turn off the power. But you know as well as I do that the 999 times that you turn off your phone no one calls, but the ONE time you don't, mom calls just to make sure "your not wearing flip flops in the snow." We have the technology people, we must learn to harness it!!
Okay, I know I said 5 things, but two have worn me out. Check back later for a continuation of what I would do with my all-encompassing power.
I have an hour til my final. . .I haven't studied at all and I should be. . .but instead:
5 things I would do if I had the power:
1- Create a defroster for the front windshield of your car. You know, much like the one in the back- with the little black wires and the powerful heat and all- except transparent so that you could still see out of the front windshield and you know, drive unhindered. Let's be honest, that back window melts hundreds of times faster than the front. Winter says, "Your semi-warm pissy air blowing up from the dash is nothing to my icy death! HA!"
2- Create cell phone timers: I.E. a program that you have on your phone that allows you to program in all of your class times, important meeting times, etc and therefore shuts off the ringer for you during those times. Let's see it in action shall we. It's 7:22 and you've spent the last 22 minutes in Dr. Reed's Ethics class. Now, a smart, mindful, prepared person would have turned off their phone or at least their ringer before they entered. But you, being that all you are trying to do this semester is survive and keep your head above the preverbial water, have yet again forgotten. Shocking. And so, your mother (whom you have given your schedule to 3 times and instructed NEVER to call "even to just leave a voice mail" during class because you, I.E. idiot, never remember to turn off your phone, calls. "Joy to the World" blasts through HART with such volume and force that you may think Jesus himself had returned to earth and yet, you know it is only your mother. Calling yet again during her pre-described "No-Call Zones" You fumble for your phone, digging through your pink and purple Old Navy bag with no cell phone pocket (which means that your phone is at the bottom-under all the books, amidst your 13 pens, 9 pencils, 2 highlighters, zip drive, gum and headphones ) and finally find it just as the ringer rounds in on the second verse with "He Rules the World with Truth and Grace". And you wonder to yourself, as you quietly and redfaced silence the phone and curse your mother, why you can't even rule your cell phone with grace. Tramatizing. Truly social suicide. But don't worry, this may or may not have actually happened to me. Nontheless, we see how vital a no-ringer program could be. I know, I know, it isn't that hard to turn off the power. But you know as well as I do that the 999 times that you turn off your phone no one calls, but the ONE time you don't, mom calls just to make sure "your not wearing flip flops in the snow." We have the technology people, we must learn to harness it!!
Okay, I know I said 5 things, but two have worn me out. Check back later for a continuation of what I would do with my all-encompassing power.
Love Heals...
... Like a breath of midnight air. Like a lighthouse, like a prayer.
Like the flicker and the flare, the sky reveals.
Like a walk along the shore. That you've walked a thousand times before. Like the oceans roar. Love heals.
There are those who shield their hearts. Those who quit before they start.
Who frozen up the part of them that feels
In the dark they've lost their sight. Like a ship without a star in the night, but hold on tight. Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll keep you strong
Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll bring you home
Love heals when pain's too much to bear. When you reach out your hand, and only wind is there.
When life's unfair. When things like us are not to be.
Love heals when you feel so small, like a grain of sand. Like nothing at all.
When you look out at sea, thats where love will be. Thats where you'll find me. You'll find me.
So if you fear the storm ahead
As you lie awake in bed
And there's no one, no one to stroke your hand. And your mind reels, your mind reels
If your face is salty wet, and you're drowning in regret, just don't forget...Love heals...
Like the flicker and the flare, the sky reveals.
Like a walk along the shore. That you've walked a thousand times before. Like the oceans roar. Love heals.
There are those who shield their hearts. Those who quit before they start.
Who frozen up the part of them that feels
In the dark they've lost their sight. Like a ship without a star in the night, but hold on tight. Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll keep you strong
Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll bring you home
Love heals when pain's too much to bear. When you reach out your hand, and only wind is there.
When life's unfair. When things like us are not to be.
Love heals when you feel so small, like a grain of sand. Like nothing at all.
When you look out at sea, thats where love will be. Thats where you'll find me. You'll find me.
So if you fear the storm ahead
As you lie awake in bed
And there's no one, no one to stroke your hand. And your mind reels, your mind reels
If your face is salty wet, and you're drowning in regret, just don't forget...Love heals...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
winter...
...proving yet again what Indiana boys are good at:
Getting rear two-wheel drive trucks with bald tires out of the snow and ice.
Sometimes I love this state and the men it produces. :)
Getting rear two-wheel drive trucks with bald tires out of the snow and ice.
Sometimes I love this state and the men it produces. :)
about me...
from my facebook:
i'm a woman. . .but sometimes i'm still just a girl. i'm married, i'm a wife. sometimes i'm still just a child. i wish i could be funny. nick says i'm funny for a girl. i speak what's on my mind- really. and almost to a fault. i can't count the amount of times i've offended my friends or told miriam she has chubby cheeks or said things that make natalie gasp and then remind me that i have no inner monologue. i like to make sure that everyone knows exactly what i'm thinking and not just to inform them but to pretty much accost them with my point of view because at times i guess i think i'm the most important person in the world. but i'm not. and that's not christ-like. but neither am i, i guess. i try, i strive, i almost beat myself in christianity. but that's not what it's about either. it's about just being so close to Him that you can look like that without any thought and without trying. and i'm not there yet, but i'm still trying. i want to help people. but i'm don't know exactly how i want to live that out yet. i'm dying to have a baby. i know i'm too young. but i just don't care anymore. i wish my house was clean. no, strike that. i just wish i had TIME to clean my house. i wish i just had time. my life is like a whirlwind of chaos. and i like it that way. i really do. even though i try to project that i am anal, and type A, and always in control- it's just a front. i'm not and i wish i was. because then more would make sense. i wish i was better at being relaxed. blue jean baby on the outside but inside i'm trying to be a beauty queen. and it's all fake, all a front. i mean, my front is more like what i want to be. it's my inside that's a mess. but i guess that's okay cuz you see the front and as long as i don't let you get to close you won't see my obsessive depressive manic queen inside who's fighting for dominance. . .and now i've lost you. cuz you came to this section for a little fun info about me and you got my guts. i've practically raped you with information that you didn't ask for. but you're the one still reading so maybe it's consensual. either way, i've got friends who humor me, who laugh at the appropriate times and put up with me even though i'm so awkward. i've got a husband who loves me, who loves me in blue jeans, who loves me enough to make up stupid games to make me happy and laugh at my un-funny jokes. i can't stay on focus. i think i have ADD. i like things that squeak and i can't help but doodle. you may think i'm not paying attention. but i am. and the scary thing is that i'm paying a ridiculous amount of attention. so much attention that you may be teaching me about research applications and all i can focus on is the length of your shirt sleeves or the fact that your leg won't stop bouncing. but i'm listening, i swear. i talk alot and you may think i never listen, but i do. and i assess you even though i try not to. but we are all screwed up and i want to be able to categorize you cuz that makes me more comfortable, but it's wrong. and again, i've still pulled you down an alley you didn't want to go down. all you wanted was this: "i'm fun. i'm outgoing. i like to be with my friends and i like commercials and watching people fall down. i hate wet jeans and stepping on earth worms when it's raining." my dad is right. . .i can't ever just say something. i have to beat it, crush it, mash it and tenderize it until everyone has something that they can get down. and so, let's be honest. i'm just a mess. . .but that's just okay.
i'm a woman. . .but sometimes i'm still just a girl. i'm married, i'm a wife. sometimes i'm still just a child. i wish i could be funny. nick says i'm funny for a girl. i speak what's on my mind- really. and almost to a fault. i can't count the amount of times i've offended my friends or told miriam she has chubby cheeks or said things that make natalie gasp and then remind me that i have no inner monologue. i like to make sure that everyone knows exactly what i'm thinking and not just to inform them but to pretty much accost them with my point of view because at times i guess i think i'm the most important person in the world. but i'm not. and that's not christ-like. but neither am i, i guess. i try, i strive, i almost beat myself in christianity. but that's not what it's about either. it's about just being so close to Him that you can look like that without any thought and without trying. and i'm not there yet, but i'm still trying. i want to help people. but i'm don't know exactly how i want to live that out yet. i'm dying to have a baby. i know i'm too young. but i just don't care anymore. i wish my house was clean. no, strike that. i just wish i had TIME to clean my house. i wish i just had time. my life is like a whirlwind of chaos. and i like it that way. i really do. even though i try to project that i am anal, and type A, and always in control- it's just a front. i'm not and i wish i was. because then more would make sense. i wish i was better at being relaxed. blue jean baby on the outside but inside i'm trying to be a beauty queen. and it's all fake, all a front. i mean, my front is more like what i want to be. it's my inside that's a mess. but i guess that's okay cuz you see the front and as long as i don't let you get to close you won't see my obsessive depressive manic queen inside who's fighting for dominance. . .and now i've lost you. cuz you came to this section for a little fun info about me and you got my guts. i've practically raped you with information that you didn't ask for. but you're the one still reading so maybe it's consensual. either way, i've got friends who humor me, who laugh at the appropriate times and put up with me even though i'm so awkward. i've got a husband who loves me, who loves me in blue jeans, who loves me enough to make up stupid games to make me happy and laugh at my un-funny jokes. i can't stay on focus. i think i have ADD. i like things that squeak and i can't help but doodle. you may think i'm not paying attention. but i am. and the scary thing is that i'm paying a ridiculous amount of attention. so much attention that you may be teaching me about research applications and all i can focus on is the length of your shirt sleeves or the fact that your leg won't stop bouncing. but i'm listening, i swear. i talk alot and you may think i never listen, but i do. and i assess you even though i try not to. but we are all screwed up and i want to be able to categorize you cuz that makes me more comfortable, but it's wrong. and again, i've still pulled you down an alley you didn't want to go down. all you wanted was this: "i'm fun. i'm outgoing. i like to be with my friends and i like commercials and watching people fall down. i hate wet jeans and stepping on earth worms when it's raining." my dad is right. . .i can't ever just say something. i have to beat it, crush it, mash it and tenderize it until everyone has something that they can get down. and so, let's be honest. i'm just a mess. . .but that's just okay.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Let's talk it over...
...well, I will talk, and you will read, because that is how this interaction works.
I am done done done with this school crap. Really, I'm just not sure that I will make it one more semester. Let's be honest- my GPA needs one more semester. At this point they may not let me out of here. They will definitely not ever let me into Grad school with grades like this, hell, they may never even give me a real job at this point. And so, after break I am here for yet another 4 months. And this time I mean it, I'm done in May. No exceptions! Really.
And not that that's a totally bad thing. A month ago I was excited to be here for another semester. But at this point, I'm just done. No more papers, no more finals, no more pencils, no more papers. . .you get the idea.
Adding to the list of things that I am done with and cannot handle any longer:
Unnecessarily Rude people: this is bad because I work at Family Video, the apparent haven for people in permanent crappy moods. Apparently we are their mother ship and I am the captain that they are pissed off at. I'm not going back to work until people cheer up.
Good news: My birthday is only a week away!! And we get to do birthday festivities on Sunday!! And people are coming and I feel loved. All good news.
Now to do something with this snow. . .things will be back on track if only I lived somewhere warm, was done with school and Family Video didn't exist!! That's not to much to ask. . . .
Let's be honest: I say "Let's be honest" too much. . .sorry. . .
I am done done done with this school crap. Really, I'm just not sure that I will make it one more semester. Let's be honest- my GPA needs one more semester. At this point they may not let me out of here. They will definitely not ever let me into Grad school with grades like this, hell, they may never even give me a real job at this point. And so, after break I am here for yet another 4 months. And this time I mean it, I'm done in May. No exceptions! Really.
And not that that's a totally bad thing. A month ago I was excited to be here for another semester. But at this point, I'm just done. No more papers, no more finals, no more pencils, no more papers. . .you get the idea.
Adding to the list of things that I am done with and cannot handle any longer:
Unnecessarily Rude people: this is bad because I work at Family Video, the apparent haven for people in permanent crappy moods. Apparently we are their mother ship and I am the captain that they are pissed off at. I'm not going back to work until people cheer up.
Good news: My birthday is only a week away!! And we get to do birthday festivities on Sunday!! And people are coming and I feel loved. All good news.
Now to do something with this snow. . .things will be back on track if only I lived somewhere warm, was done with school and Family Video didn't exist!! That's not to much to ask. . . .
Let's be honest: I say "Let's be honest" too much. . .sorry. . .
Monday, December 05, 2005
Old people and naked men...
. . .that's what I just got done experiencing. My parents gave us their season tickets to use for Nick's birthday while they are in Florida. So tonight, we took my friends Jon and Maria and the 4 of us went to see The Full Monty. And I had never seen this show, movie, musical, nothing- I had no idea what this was about. And it was amazing. I mean, not like it was the absolute best show I've ever seen, it was at Emens in Muncie, and it was a traveling group of professional actors, but I was blown away and pleasantly surprised. I'm still totally blown away by people who can act and sing at the same time. I can sing, but I can't imagine trying to act, especially act that well, all at once. And so to add to the list of things that I would do if I could: I would be on Broadway. I'm simply amazed. And this only makes it harder and harder to wait to see Wicked. I think I may implode soon.
but really, let's talk about this. . .we took my parents tickets right? Well, we walk into the theatre and it's a literal sea of gray and white hair. Other than the Ball State students up in the balcony, we were by far the youngest people there. I think that my parents are older than I think. . .
but really, let's talk about this. . .we took my parents tickets right? Well, we walk into the theatre and it's a literal sea of gray and white hair. Other than the Ball State students up in the balcony, we were by far the youngest people there. I think that my parents are older than I think. . .
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Okay. . .
so I'm only on here because my new friend Nick (not my husband, a new Nick, it's not that unique of a name really and things could get confusing) kept telling me how much better it was than Xanga. And let's be honest, I'm never on Xanga either, but maybe I'll be better at typing on here. We'll see.
I just got done playing poker with some of my most favorite people. Last time I took home the money. This time, I lost early, bought back in, and then lost again soon after that. But in the end, my money went to the kid who needed to pay rent, so it's all worth it right? Kinda like charity?? No? Oh well. . .
To continue the randomness. . .today, we went on a field trip for class. . .to the funeral home. Sick. I mean, facinating, but still sick. When we got there, the funeral director took off his fake leg and poked a girl with it. Like really, he was standing there and made some comment about only having one leg: "I have one leg. I know it doesn't look like it because I'm standing here, but look" (detach the leg from his body and *poke *poke to the girl next to him) I thought she was going to die dead right there, which I guess would have been ironic, it being the funeral home and all. Weird, just weird. It was one of those -Where am I? And how did I get here?- moments. Creepy. But I picked out my casket. Cherry, I want Cherry wood- and don't worry Nick (my Nick) it's on the cheaper end of the spectrum.
My friend Kyle, got nicknamed "Smooth" by the homeless black guy "Black Elvis". Let's be honest, I don't even know what to do with that.
I just got done playing poker with some of my most favorite people. Last time I took home the money. This time, I lost early, bought back in, and then lost again soon after that. But in the end, my money went to the kid who needed to pay rent, so it's all worth it right? Kinda like charity?? No? Oh well. . .
To continue the randomness. . .today, we went on a field trip for class. . .to the funeral home. Sick. I mean, facinating, but still sick. When we got there, the funeral director took off his fake leg and poked a girl with it. Like really, he was standing there and made some comment about only having one leg: "I have one leg. I know it doesn't look like it because I'm standing here, but look" (detach the leg from his body and *poke *poke to the girl next to him) I thought she was going to die dead right there, which I guess would have been ironic, it being the funeral home and all. Weird, just weird. It was one of those -Where am I? And how did I get here?- moments. Creepy. But I picked out my casket. Cherry, I want Cherry wood- and don't worry Nick (my Nick) it's on the cheaper end of the spectrum.
My friend Kyle, got nicknamed "Smooth" by the homeless black guy "Black Elvis". Let's be honest, I don't even know what to do with that.
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