the strange visitor at the birth of Christ...

two posts in one day. . .i know, sad. . .deal with it.

I just got done uploading pictures to the internet and the sheer madness of my in-laws is no longer something that I can ignore. Not after these holidays. Now, I admit, my immediate family is by no means normal, but the in-laws are a type of abnormal that are freakin amazing and more hilarious than any family should be. I should be fair- most of the family is normal. It is mainly just Nick's grandmother that is eccentric. His grandpa can be fun, but ol' Karen just takes the cake. And I promise, I'm not making fun of her. Heck, I pray every night that when I am 67 I am half as funny as she is. The family is just nuts and I'm sure that everyone claims this to be true of all inlaws. I, however, have taken to collecting proof of this madness. Let's take a trip down memory lane:

When we were teenagers, his grandma used to slip him a $5 every time that we left her house. Just in case he needed it. Not for food, or gas. For condoms. Just in case he needed them.

The first time I met her (when she was about 60-ish) she had bright blue hair. Electric blue. Like she had used the stuff from Walgreens that 12 year old girls use when they are having a slumber party with their friends. She thought it looked fun and "would match her eyeglasses"

While Nick was in college she sent him a check in the mail. The check was wrapped in a note that said something to the effect of "I hear that there are these people that can tell when there is money in a letter and so to throw them off I am inclosing this letter that will mess with their skills. Zap zap, snap, crackle, whoosh. See, now they can't tell that there is a check in here"

Okay, those were all from the past. And I knew about all of this when I married Nick, so this could be my fault after all. And she's been relatively normal since we got married. Or maybe we just haven't been around her as much. Either way, this year at Christmas, 3 things happened that topped them all. Well, really just two. I mean, she was dressed from head to toe in all turquoise, including shoes and jewelry, but that's really not THAT weird for her. (although, I guess when you can say that someone being dressed completely in turquoise wasn't that weird for her, you know that you are dealing with a creative creature.) Okay then, for the other two:

1. She had this big table set up at the holidays for the food. And then she had about 5 feet from the end of her table to her Christmas tree. And so, to fill this gap that was "bugging her" she took her tree skirt off of her tree and layed it on the floor to fill the spot that was bugging her. "because that spot needed decorated and that was the perfect size to fit that spot" Therefore, we all walk in, nibble on some food and begin whispering about why the tree is sitting in it's exposed tree stand and the skirt is inches away surrounding nothing. Maybe she had gone crazy? Oh no, Karen had a reason. There is always a reason. . . .

2. As in her shining example from this holiday season:

[When Nick was little he was allowed to set up the nativity scene by himself. His family came in the room later to see it and found the angel hanging in the manger, string tied from the rafters down around her neck. Nick thought that she should be "flying" Keep this in mind as I tell you about his grandmother's nativity.]

Nick comes in the room shaking his head. He reminds me of his infamous nativity scene and invites me to see his grandma's. Now, to fully appreciate this, you can only experience it.

Do you see it? Look closely. You will see the baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. A stable boy with a sheep around his shoulders, the three wise men, and three angels. And what is that, that figure crouching right outside the left of the stable? Well that, my friends...

is Quasimodo. That's right, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Apparently he was present at the birth of Christ. When questionsed about the strange figure that was placed with her nativity, these were some of her answers:

"Don't you act like there weren't any of "that" type of people present at the birth of Christ! You go to Anderson University. You should know better than that!"

"Jesus spent his life with the leppers and the crippled. You don't think that there would have been some there at his birth? I thought you were a social work student!"

And so. . .that was Christmas 2005 with the West's. Take it however you would like. Just remember, I have dibs on the whole "my inlaws are crazier than yours."

(I love you Grandma Karen!! Really, I do!!)

my house is holiday hung-over...

No really, it is. Here I am sitting in my house. Strike that, my pig hole. You see, something has happened. It seems that the holidays got a little carried away, they partied a little too long and came home drunk. And then, they proceeded to throw up and die in my living room, dining room, bedroom and kitchen. Honestly, what happened?? My mom's house never looks like this after the holidays!! How does she do it? I got out of bed today and walked into my living room and I swear, I almost had a heart attack. There is crap everywhere! And so, me, being the new and overwhelmed housewife that I am, I choose to plop down on the couch for an hour and a half and watch Full House and hope that the mess would just take care of itself. No such luck. You see, I think that I only made it worse, with my breakfast bowl and my truffle wrappers. And so I continue to sit and sit. But then, I realize that I'm watching the same stupid "Be a Hero- Take your kids to Disney World" commercial for like the 19th time and I can't handle it. And that 19th time through was just what I needed to boost myself up off the couch and take on my house. THAT, my friends, is what those annoying commercials are for. They shake you out of your Full House-ignoring-the-mess-mindset and push you off your overly large (still carrying a little holiday weight) butt and make you get things done!! And so, I am now off to take on my hungover house. It's time for some tylenol, coffee and a brisk walk, little house. Time to get that junk out of your system. It's 2006 and we will now look like a sweatshop/garage sale/dollar store in here any longer. We will be presentable. We we look as if we fell off the pages of Better Homes and Gardens or TLC. It's time to shape up. Spring cleaning is coming early.

Raw ground meat...

. . . Alright, I'm working on something deep. I've got another big one coming, I swear. It's all about heaven, and Jeffrey Dahmer, and homosexuals and God; but it needs more time. I need a few more days for it to sit and fester inside my head before I work it all out on here. And so, to keep up and keep occupied- number 4 of what I would do with my all-encompassing power.

#4: I would invent a better way to cook ground meat. (Hey, I warned you that this wasn't a deep post!) Now, before you just write me off as lazy or as another woman who wants to get out of cooking (both of which I'm not afraid to admit that I am) go with me on this. We all know that this ground meat cooking process is really too involved for the final product. You take red meat, fight with it for 5-10 minutes and all you ever end up with is some type of country casserole or hamburger helper. I mean really. I come from the MTV generation, I have NO attention span. Nor do I like to cook. And so for anyone like me, you understand where I am coming from. I always get this great urge to cook, I head for the kitchen, pull out my cookbook and throw the meat in the microwave to defrost. This is where I get lost. You see, by the time that meat has thawed, I'm in the other room, wondering if it's time to take down the Christmas decorations or trying to make the extension cord in my bathroom lay flat on the floor. I have meat rotting in the microwave and by the time I remember that it's there, I've already had a bowl of cereal because I was hungry and needed something to eat.

Okay, you say, so it's the thawing process where you get lost. We all do that right? I mean, I can't count the number of days we all came home in the afternoon only to find dad's morning coffee sitting cold in the microwave. Happens to the best of us. But let's say I even start with thawed meat. It's into the skillet and I'm waiting for it to cook. And I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And again, I'm off to the living room to watch the commercial on TV and then I'm out on the front porch or cleaning up the bedroom. This time even more tricky because now I have an open flame and a pan of raw-ish meat.

It just seems too involved!! I'm not trying to make a gormet meal, I just want some casserole or hamburger helper and I feel that in 2005, I shouldn't have to stand over a hot stove in order to make that happen. There's gotta be a better way!! (. . . and there is Kevin!. . .) [sorry, that was a Friends sidenote] It's just ground meat people. If we can invent pickleloaf (ick) and bologna, why can't we come up with a shorter, more time efficient way to cook mashed up cow?!? ou may be shaking your head, but you know you agree. It's simply ridiculous. Maybe I could develop a tolerance to raw meat. I think I have friends that did. I mean, their steak is practically still mooing and they are all still alive. I will just develop a taste for uncooked ground meat! Who wants to come over for dinner? I'm cooking!. . .or not cooking but just throwing some raw stuff in a bowl!! Yum! Oh well. . . .maybe #4 isn't my best yet. We still have #5 to look forward to.

PS: My friend Brooke, nearly threw up at least 4 times while reading this post. I love you Brookie!!