Family

I feel supremely blessed by my world of "family" lately.

Christmas always brings about this emotion in me.  Something about having everyone home, to Indiana, gathered in mom and dad's living room, or around the table always seems to fill and overflow my heart with a sense of "home"- this is my home-base and here, with these people, in this time, I am as satisfied as I will ever be on this side of heaven.

Recently, we baptized all three of our children: ages 6, 2.5 and 3 months.  I had envisioned this being a day full of family and loved ones.  They would fill the pews and gaze forward with love and blessing as we vowed as parents to nurture these children in the love of the Lord.  Instead, minimal family were able to attend due to many factors.  The old me would have been crushed, I would have felt their absence in my bones and counted the day as a loss.  However, as I reflected later in the shower (after all, don't we all do our best reflecting while sudsy?) I realized that my created family was there for me instead.

We all have biological family that we don't get to see as much as we would like.  Life and distance tend to dictate our time together and, for me at least, it never seems to be enough.  But we create our own version of family where we can.  For my husband and I, we are blessed that this group can still contain our parents due to geographic proximity, and also choice.  We are blessed that we both have loving relationships with our parents and intend to keep them as involved as we possibly can for as long as we possibly can.  Our circle of family also includes a small, select group of friends whom we trust and can be fully open and honest with.  It seems that as we get older, this group gets smaller and smaller.  At this point in my life, I am not only okay with that, I tend to desire that.

And last, but definitely not least, I'm discovering how important my church family is to my created family group.  You see, as I looked over those pews, knowing that I should feel loss from the biological family members who were not in attendance, I knew that God had given me another amazing blessing in their place.  These faces that stared back at me, that passed by me, and kissed my sweet children on their sweet cheeks were FAMILY.  They were people who had watched me grow, who had heard my words, and witnessed my tears, and trudged along the paths on this side of heaven alongside me.  This was my family, not by blood, but by choice.  Actually, on second-thought, by blood, but not by mine- by Christ's blood instead.

I am blessed; blessed by biological family, and also by the sweet little family I have created around me in this place and this time.  I am blessed by surrogate grandmothers and grandfathers, by surrogate aunts and uncles, and by sisters and brothers in Christ.  The bodies that circle my dinner table, spend their Friday nights with me, and that sit alongside me in pews carry me through.  Without them, I would be lost.  Without them, I would be lonely.  And while they will never take the place of family and friends that are far away, I count myself as truly blessed to feel the love of so many; whether very far away, or right next door.

a day's successfulness...

** not my words... these are reposted from here:

thepolishedpickle.blogspot.com

"Your kids don't care where you go together, they just want to be with you."

They aren't teenagers, for goodness sake. Chances are slim of my two year old rebelling when I take him to a new place and complaining of "lameness." I used to thrill in simply riding my bike to a gas station and choosing between a ring-pop or chico-stick.

I don't need to enroll them in a gymnastic class or take them to an indoor water park for them to have fun. Their idea of a grand day includes collecting sticks and throwing them in a puddle.

I think a day's successfulness, for a mother, can be judged by answering a few simple questions; Was I available for my children? Did I listen? Did I tell and show them I love them?

Do my children feel that I love them?

"I would say to each mother, each father—be a good listener. Communication is so vital today in our fast-paced world. Take time to listen. I would encourage you to be available to your children. I have heard it said that no man, as death approaches, has ever declared that he wished he had spent more time at the office." -Thomas S. Monson

hardships and "safe" living...

I love being connected to things that are foreign to me. Things that may seem painful, seem hard, seem unfair and maybe even a little outside of God's plan. These foreign realities that people live, day in and day out, challenge me to examine my "safe" little life and wonder how I can push the edges. How can I stop simply existing and start learning, growing, changing and reaching with both hands for a God who created me, who created joy and pain, who created rain and sun and who loves me more than I will ever, ever be able to comprehend. I don't want to simply exist. I want to expand and fill in all the cracks and all the uneven edges in this crazy, broken world that we live in. It's a lofty goal... I'm off to start achieving it.

Chased...

It's been a long time since I've written, but I'm not going to apologize. Life gets in the way and the inspiration (and the time to write) comes and goes... and it's come again, so here we go.

Parts of my heart have been hidden, scarred, covered, cold, hardened and dark for too long now. I'm starting to feel the thawing, small cracks of light are beginning to seep through. And in this transition, I'm discovering God's love for me all over again.

From my devo. book "Extraordinary Women" - a chapter titled "Chased" :

"You might struggle to believe that even with so many people and so many problems in the world, God still has time to pursue you, but He does. Let yourself be caught. His love is like no other. Receiving is a choice. You can begin by saying, Yes, Lord, I believe.

Maintaining intimacy with God is also a choice. In today's world, so much tears at a woman's heart and competes for her affections. You can unknowingly, unintentionally, and so subtly give your heart to other things. You've got to want Him with everything you have! But the Bible promises, "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed" Jeremiah 29:13 MSG"

"To pursue intimacy with Christ, you will have to fight for it. Evil hates God's beauty in you. In his book "Turn your life around," my husband, Tim, refers to this as the path of "disordered affections," which occur when we rely on things other than God to fill the hold in our hearts. Our affections are disordered when everything in life seems crazy, nothing is in sync, priorities are chaotic, and life is overwhelming. Husband. Kids. Work. Family. In-laws. Vacations. Finances. Church. Laundry. Dinner. The pressures of life begin to take away your affection for God. As a result you spend less time with Him. The less time you have with Him, the less beautiful you feel. And the next thing you know, you no longer feel loved.

Do you see what happens? Idolatry takes hold as we turn to other things rather than our Father to calm and soothe our pain- the emptiness or brokenness in our hearts. Tim defines idolatry as "the fruitless pursuit of anything besides God to fill what only He can fill." Shopping. Food. Bad relationships. Breaking free of idolatry requires discipline...Daily I have to make a decision to choose to be captured and recaptured by God's love."

I know that's long, but I was so moved by all of this. Not only has my heart been cold and hardened, I can't say that I've done any of the above to any degree of success. "You've got to want Him with everything you have!"- Nope. Have I been using Him, and Him alone, to fill the emptiness and brokenness in my heart?- Nope again. Have I been making the decision DAILY to choose to be captured by God's love- Not a chance. I've filled that void, my heart, my life, my time with all kinds of other things- not necessarily bad things (husband, kid, the SW kids, work, etc) but things that aren't God's perfect love.

None of this is extremely deep. But it's exactly what I needed to hear right now.

intelligence...

My friend Burkhead recently said something to the effect "I am reminded of how much I truly value intelligence in those around me." I'm beginning to understand that statement more and more each day.

I miss those deeply intellectual conversations in my life. I mean, college was full of them, and since college, I've accidentally isolated myself from the intellectual world. I miss my talks with Miriam, or my arguments with Jon or just being around people who are a little smarter than me.

This week has been good for that- I'm reminded what it's like to learn and how much I LIKE to learn when it's something I WANT to learn about. So, yay summer institute- you don't suck!

where next...

after the marathon sprint to Iowa and back this weekend, I have decided that there is no greater simple pleasure in life than road trips with people you love. there is simply nothing better.

sunny...

I'm strangly upbeat, positive, happy and optimistic. Is this what it is to be satisfied and fulfilled?? Or maybe it's just the weather? I know it won't last forever, but it's a definate blessing and encouragement- especially during this crazy busy time of the year. I'll try not to be too annoying with my perkyness! :)

how vs why

I'm moving away from the hows in life and focusing more on the whys. We always think about the hows: how to get a mate, how to get food, how to get sex, how to get whatever.... but why? We pretty much ignore it. How leaves you with a lot more black and white, cut and dry, solutions and answers. Why leaves you open and alone in the land of the gray. And for some reason, right now, the hows: the answers and solutions aren't that much fun. I'm really enjoying being lost in the fog of the whys. Why are we designed to need other people? Why are we wired to need relationships? Why is there love? Why?

feeling

I feel passionate about something in my life again

It's been a long time

And I don't mean any of that in the bad way, I mean it all in the most wonderful and fantastic way possible

There's an aimless, floating, survival-only way of living life and after experiencing it for awhile there, I am so thankful for something that I care so freakin much about

Extreme care brings about the potential for spectacular hurt, but I can't stop myself from running ahead full force

I'm so thankful for feeling and I'm so thankful for such wonderful, confusing, enticing, powerful feeling

Now, as soon as I regain my ability to cry again, we will know I am fully back... fully back and better than before

A new path...

I'm back...the internet is back up...and those big changes I had to talk about? Well, they are in full swing as well! The biggest change in the Miller household is...mommy's new job!! The ball started rolling this fall- well actually, probably sooner than that even. Last March, Shawna (Herring) Neuenschwander announced at work that she would be leaving Campus Life at SW (my old school) to move into inner city at Marion. Honestly, my heart broke a little; I even cried real tears. I was bummed for SW to be losing Shawna, she was a great part of my Christian life growing up and I was so sad for the kids at SW to be losing her. I probably went into overdrive praying for her replacement, just cause SW means so much to me. Summer came, we had a possibility for the position and I was totally pumped to jump in and help her do anything that she needed to get in and get started.

About that time, I began to feel this tug on my heart. I didn't know what it was for, what it was tugging me towards, nor where it would take me, but I could tell that God was beginning to stretch me for something. Weeks passed, and the more that things started to come apart on the hiring side for the new girl, there more I felt God pulling me in. I mean, I spent most of 2008 on a journey of love; God was truly teaching me about what was important in life. He stripped away a lot, A LOT of my comfort zone and showed me that life is purely about loving God and loving others and aside from that, the rest is just fluff. So, when the call to Campus Life came that crisp October day, there was little I could do.

I've spent enough time hiding from God. I've spent enough time downplaying my gifts and so when I felt the pull to Campus Life at SW, I just had to say, "Okay God, as long as you're with me; let's do it." After a long long LONG time of application, prayer, seeking and relying on God, all of the parts finally fell together and I was offered the job in early November. I was warned to be prepared for a long fund raising process. With this full time position, I am responsible for raising my support and I knew, by watching the guys in the office, how hard this could be. I also knew that it was one of the big things holding me back in pursuing this position. I hate to ask for help, I hate to bug my family and friends and I hate to ask for money. But in the end, it was another one of those amazing things God was providing me with this fall: a comfort and a peace about the money. I knew that if God had brought me this far, He wouldn't leave me now. I knew that He had been in control this whole time, and if this was His will, it would happen. 2 weeks and 3 days later, the support that I needed to start was completely in and fully pledged. 2 weeks is the record in our office, so while I missed the record by 3 days, (sorry, I'm always the competitive one :)) it was a SUPER FAST fund raising period. I mean, we have guys in this office who have taken many painful months to wait for support to come in and here I had it in 2 quick weeks!

I may sound like I'm bragging, but in reality this was just the reminder that I was going to need for the months to come. What an amazing affirmation to have when the hard times come. God is here, He is present, and He will always provide just exactly what I need. Whether that is support, comfort, care, endless love, energy, patience...whatever, He will provide. And not only that, but I have an amazing AMAZING support base of family and friends and the SW community around me to keep me going. I feel supremely blessed.

The blessing of hindsight is that we can see all of the amazing tiny bits of the story that God was carefully molding to fall into place at the exactly perfect moment. Its so awesome to see God's hand in all of this and how He brought me to this place. Again, it's something I will never succeed at on my own, but in His power, in His will and with Him by my side, I know that I can do anything. I am more than a conqueror. Praise God for his awesomeness.

....And stay tuned...I'd love to keep you updated on this crazy ride. I'm sure this place will be full of awesome stories, some crazy events and even a few prayer requests to keep us all covered. Ready? Cause here we go...

I have not abandoned you forever...but our internet is down at home, I'm being slow and lazy to get it back up because I have internet at work- do I really need it at home?? Besides that, I've been far too busy to do any blog updating while I'm at work- plus they probably don't like it when I waste my time that way anyway. Hopefully, if life keeps going like it is, I will have some big updates for all of you and all kinds of time to add them very soon!! We'll see....I guess you will just have to stay tuned!!

Too much junk...

There is so much junk going around right now for me to get involved in and I simply chose not to.

Call me a coward, I don't mind. I'm tired of the emotional political talks, I'm tired of the "surface level" political conversations ending in tears for one or both sides. I'm tired of the anger driven religion talks. I'm tired of the gossip and the petty fights. I'm tired of the ignorance.

To be fair, I'm never even involved. I made the decision long ago that any decision, argument, issue that is important enough for me to deal with, is private enough for me to keep to myself. I don't feel that it is my job to "educate" anyone. I'm not letting people get away with ignorance, I just do not feel that it is my place to give anyone my position or my views unless I am asked. I wouldn't tell you what you should wear if you didn't outright ask me, why would I tell you what you should believe, vote for or care about without your permission? If these issues are deep, and personal and private then I owe you the respect to let you deal with it on your own.

I could be wrong, but right now, those things are just the last things on my mind. I'm driven by so many different goals that there comes a time, when you have to strip it all down and decide what is going to be important. When you are pulled in so many different directions at once and you have to pick a priority and go for it. This sounds stupidly simple, but I'm choosing love. I'm not worried about much else right now, until I am able to really "love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind" Once I feel that I've tackled that to the best of my ability, I'll move to loving others and work on that til I feel satisfied. I think I can keep myself pretty busy with those two things for right now.

And as for the others (politics, religion, your social affairs, etc.) I say:
Do your homework (check those 2 dudes out, read the Bible, get your facts, etc.)
Take some action (vote, pray, apologize, etc.)
Live it out (work for the same things your Pres. is for, Live out that love, be a better friend, etc.)

That's all I can offer. If you want more, I guess you'll have to directly ask me. I don't do unsolicited advice! :)

fall

You would think that one would do a lot of deep thinking while on vacation...not so true this time around...for some reason, I think that my mind just shut down.

But I have been doing a lot of reading in Isaiah this week. And to go with my fall themed vacation, I have a fall themed verse to share with you...(I don't really know if verses can be "themed" to the season...maybe it's just that I love fall...maybe it's just been all the pumpkins, football, apple orchards, leaves, acorns, etc that made me see it through "fall" eyes)....either way, enjoy!

"You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands!" *ephasis mine


(PS- also of note, somewhere during that post my "M" key stopped working...you really notice that you use more M's than you think when you have to go back and pound them in.)

stupid yard signs...

house hunting in the fall of an election year is extreamly frustrating...you begin to think that every house is for sale...

Painting Pictures of Egypt

So I've been running over this song in my mind all week long. Back story, I've been reading Exodus...I love Exodus...maybe because I identify with the Israelites so very very much. And this song, from this old old Christian CD has been running through my head. It was one of those crappy sample CD's (one song each from 12 random artists that you've never heard of) that my mom got with the purchase of a book or something crazy like that. And I was tempted to just throw it out, garage sale it or just use it as a coaster (keep in mind, I was in collge at this time and I KNEW what I liked and disliked for crying out loud and this crappy CD was certainly on the dislike list...even though I had never listened to it...but I digress) but I didn't, I cracked it open and gave it a chance. Song one (I don't even remember what it was called) was okay... song two "Painting Pictures of Egypt"...I was moved to tears. I don't remember what was happening in my life at the time and why it affected me so deeply, but nonetheless, there I was, touched to my very soul. And this week, it came floating back to my soul...and I could remember none of the words...or the artist (Sara Groves). But thanks to Google (Google is amazing!!) and this blog (http://metros.xanga.com/amylynnlindberg?nextdate=10%2F2%2F2003+10%3A49%3A4.000&direction=p) (thank you new friend!) I found it...enjoy!

Sara Groves- Painting Pictures of Egypt:

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost frien

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?